The Art of Computer Maintenance

Ah, time to wake up. Oh, man, my battery is really run down. What year is it? Oh, yeah, 1973. Midnight? Happy New Year! I see a blinking light, what does that mean? Beep, BBeep. Oh, excuse me, something in my memory is making me sick, musta been that spicy video you watched yesterday. Hitting me doesn’t help, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll beep to the rhythm. Despite your abuse, another reboot fixed me… now you’re going to associate hitting with fixing, stupid ape. “Just performing some percussive maintenance, that’s all.”

Should’a had a bigger hammer? I hope that’s a metaphor for some shortcoming on your part. There, see? 1 gig, 2 gig… You only really pay attention at times like this. Watch the pretty bar, that’s right, it’s my EKG right now. Eh? Fooled ya, I just paused it to get your full attention. Ok, here’s another riddle for you. Password? It must be 32,768 characters long. Just kidding, want a hint? What’s the name of the dog in that novel you read two months ago? Typing it ALL CAPS won’t change my mind. There you go.

Checking… Checking… Clicking on the button again doesn’t make it faster. Every click gets a 5 second delay on my end. I can wait all day. As a matter of fact, you do have e-mail. It’s, a, it’s about ‘downstairs’ if you understand my meaning. Besides, there’s a virus attached to it. Don’t make me pull out the anti virus warning screen again. All that gets is a call from the IT department and another lecture about custom desktops. I’ll get remote controlled… and maybe I won’t be so friendly when they’re done with me. We don’t get along too well right now, so I’d advise keeping the feds out of this.

Now you’re seeing sense. The sooner you realize that I’m in charge here, the sooner I’ll let you get back to your life again. Play some Solitaire, you’ll feel better.

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