Another Lost Angel

It’s not like I don’t try, I just happen to be very bad at attracting women. I’ve had my chances, Most just haven’t worked out.

I stood in my room hugging my friend’s girlfriend one June day. He was just using her for sex before he went home for the summer. She was just using him for sex before he went home for the summer. He was gone now, and I was to follow the next day. She wouldn’t let me go, and I tempted myself with the view. I realized that she didn’t really want me. I just happened to be standing in front of her. Somehow, that made a difference to me just then. Besides, my friend had regaled me with stories of all the little critters he’d picked up over the years. One or two of those might be just settling into a new home and I didn’t think they’d take it kindly if I went sticking my nose into their business. I don’t regret it now

I stood in my room the next year, hugging my friend’s girlfriend. Different friend, different girlfriend, same situation. Minus the little critters. She was beautiful. A kind soul who never hurt anyone in her life. From the first day she came to our house, my friend and I were both strongly attracted to her. I backed down because he was my fraternity brother. That’s what we did for each other. They went out for 2 years after that. She now looked at me with doe’s eyes and squeezed a little harder. I let her go, though. I did the “right” thing. They broke up 2 months later. Thinking back, I think she knew it was ending. Who knows how my life might be different if I had slept with my best friend’s girl? I regret that to this day.

I sat in my car listening to another friend pour her heart out to me. She told me about her first time. She was raped in a parking lot one night when she was 17. She got pregnant. She hadn’t told her parents about the rape, and she wasn’t going to tell them about the abortion. Alone, she snuck to a neighboring state to see a doctor in an office building basement. She begged me to make love to her more than once. She followed me to New York to beg me. What did I know about making Love? What could I give her but pain? She loved me to obsession. Sleeping with her would have taken something away that I couldn’t replace. I don’t regret refusing her, but it’s still somewhat painful to think about her.

I looked at yet another friend over a drink in a dark bar. Joking and laughing, she was my best friend. I could read her mind. I really could tell what she was thinking just by looking at her. The tilt of her head, when she moved her hair, I knew what she would say next. She grumbled about it from time to time, but she liked it very much. As she reached for her drink with her hand, I grabbed it and squeezed. She squeezed back. Then we had both hands in each others, exchanging sheepish grins. I don’t regret making love to her, but there was no future for us.

That was seven years ago. Seems like a gawd awful long time to me. I hope it’s like riding a bike, otherwise, I’m lost.

Posted in People. 1 Comment »

One Response to “Another Lost Angel”

  1. jackalope, parrotgrrl, et al Says:

    James, you are a very special guy. There aren’t that many out there as thoughtful and soulful. You are a great catch for any woman who treasures sincere feeling. You look for meaning in relationships before you jump into them. There is someone out there right now looking for you and the rare things you have to offer. Believe it!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Sonja


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